peninsula

at last finish gak rough draft personal essay. habis about 4 am, then slept at 5. kind of tired but still ned to wake up early as workshop start at 8. friday nite likely better, as mush asked to go to the peninsula, a malaysian cuisine restaurant. bestnye! ate kuew tiew goreng and also abc. mush even have pasembor to go. after that went to coffman, play pool. it was mush first time play it so i kind of explaining all the rules and stuff. but it end up mush much more teror la than me. hehe, mmg no talent la i guess. pagi sabtu td cadang nk wat lab petrology, but frustratingly, pillsbury was closed. hmmmm. then balik cooked ayam masak asam pedas.. boleh la, tambah perencah..

learning

it was a confusing day. i woke up late, about 11 and went straight to the petrology lab. what irritated me the most today is that i did badly in my introductory speech. it was boring and i even do not speak fluently with most of the time i was kinda hanging in betwen the words. owhhhh, really frustrated with myself. but i tried to be optimist, and should not compare myself with the other people in the class where they are all mostly american. and for those don't they have lived in US for a very long time they can speak english fluently. the purpose of me getting into this class is to learn, so be it.
now is 4.25 am, just finished the rough draft for personal esssay at 4. hopefully this essay is better.

what does it mean to be me?

i used to believe that i was a person full of idealisme, who will fight for the truth and never fear of the upcoming tribulations. but i am a very much different person right now, at least for the believe part. actually i was rather fog by the concept of believing or being something. it's like someone said that you are brave for instance, and you replied that you are not brave actually, you just pretend, which lead to believe, that you are brave. but isn't it is like the same?

getting personal....?

what does it mean by being personal? i mean, being personal in your work, in your self-expression... well, kind of bemuse by the definition.. i'm actually in the middle of finding the idea for my personal essay and also for my introductory speech. i do not know what to write! as for me, being personal is like constitute each and every single things in life. i like to see life as something which are deeply connected to me. so i end up having so many things that i think are really personal for me. but of course, there are things that are much personal than the others. maybe i should work on that.
it is already 1 am, got class at 9, need to sleep early i guess. but i need to start the essay and the speech! aarrrgggghhh!!

once we were a child...

it was such a fascinating moment for us to dream, to explore things which are beyond our wildest imagination. we were awed by even a slightest different new discovery. yeah, that was when we were young, when we were a child. i just watched neverending story, for the second after i watched years ago while i am still in my elementary school. watching it for the second times give me this sense of question of how on earth do i can be awed by this such foolish and childish story? seriously, i was questioning the plot, the special effects, the dialogue and even the music! is that film is such a terrible one? or is it me who is changed? i still remember how i was fascinated by the story during the first time i saw it. the film makes me wanna fly, wanna jump into the movie and be part of it. and i still remember how beautiful the song was when i listen to it. but now, even the song seem kind of weird. when i think about it again, i believe that it is because i am the one is changing. when we were kids, the world looks like a limitless field of discovery place, where everything seems possible. without any hurdles or oppression, we dream and imagined of whatever things that we can think of. all those fantasies and dreams are likely to be reached. now, in my 20's, i kinda being skeptical about life. no more dreams, no more limitless boundaries, and no more wild imagination. i look at life like it is a stagnant stage, where reality hurts, really hurts. sometimes i wonder where have the old me gone? the old me who will questions even the slightest oddness that he see, the old me who will try to find the answer, the old me who likes to create new things, imagining i am in such various, wonderful places? where have i been...?

love me if u must

if u are walking away stop walking,
as i hardly chasing you if you are far away.
if u are forgetting about me stop forgetting,
as the thought i dimly visible for you is hurting.
if u are searching for someone stop searching,
as i am here, just for you.
love me if u must, love me if u dare.
for i am the beggar, who despise the loneliness..

am i forced to?

during public speaking class, the instructor asked us who are taking this class because it is a requirement, because u need to take it, and not because you want to take it. and about 75% raised their hand, including me. at that time, it was very clear that this class is needed as a prerequisite for aother class that i want to take at the next level. when i back home, before went to bed, suddenly i rethink about the question. if i take that class because it is a must, then what about other classes that i took, taking and will take? it seems like all of the classes will be a must, and not something that i want to. although i am the one who chosed to take communication as my minor, it seems that the content of my minor are somewhat something that are a must, and not something that i really want. or is it? that's when i rethink again about my intention of taking all these classes. intention... yeah...

~do not do things that you love, love the things that you do~

the 3rd day....

it have been 3 days since i start the new semester. things seem running considerably ok, considering all of the classes are in their first days. not much work though. i woke up late today, about 12 pm. no lab today so i went straight for the public speaking class at 6. got email from the people who works with the fntv, the independence film project, said that can meet the other people sometimes on dinner at middlebrook. well, still considering whether or not should i join it. most of the reluctant feeling that i have is because the fear of... i dunno. i always have this low self-esteem. even back in my hometown, i always refuse to go to some parties or something like that. what is wrong with me?

qoutes....

i've stumbled upon a quote by Richard Kemp which stated that quotes are nothing but the inspiration of the unispired. huh? i kind of startled at first because all these while, i am very much eager to collect quotes. i even have my own personal books just for collectiong qoutes that interest me. does he(richard kemp) means that i am a person which are unispired? when i think about it, it kind of get into me as i suddenly realize that i am searching for something behind each quotes that i found. i am searching for the inspiration. as i do not likely to believe that it is not a bad thing to collect quotes or to read it, but it did sounds negative... i mean, i am the unsinspired one! wah, never thought about it before.
i always feels the need to be kind of somebody, i mean somebody as in being someone that have a very clear vision with his life, feel content and live life happily. i do envy my friends who kind of seamlessly get along with the other friends, easily to socialize, scored good great etc.. (u know, those perfect world). well, not envy la, but kind of makes me sometimes sad. i know that i should not feel that way because what i have today is way too much that i think i deserve, all of are from the mercy of Allah... i should be grateful and not feel sad again.. i should look into myself, improve myself and get closer to Allah... i have family that i love so much and i know that they love me too, and others uncountable nikmat that i have...
i want to be positive about myself, and if i do not achieve something which i dream of, there always reason(s) for that... everyone have their own life, maybe from my eyes they look perfect, but who knows what are really going on right? anyway, hopefully, i will have a better semester!

fragmen dari washington

fragmen 1
semalam mereka bicara lagi tentang diri,
diri yang mendamba, diri yang jahil, juga diri yang terus enggan.
seperti biasa mataku akan menangis, lidahku akan kelu, pendengaranku bagai dibelai, dan fikiranku menerawang untuk impian itu.
lalu aku kembali memikir adakah seperti selalu,
segala tangisan, kekeluan, belaian serta impian hanya tinggal untuk waktu itu?
lepas habis tinggal segala,
aku kembali menjadi, sesuatu yang bukan diriku?
yang bukan fitrahku? yang bukan kumahu?
fragmen 2
aku mahu lari dari kebisingan yang membosankan
aku mahu lari dari kesesakan yang menyakitkan
aku mahu lari dari kepuraan yang menjelikkan
aku mahu lari dari kegelapan yang menyesatkan
fragmen 3
habis sudah bicara untuk kutawarkan waktu,
hilang sudah rindu untuk kudambakan temu,
rosak sudah ceria untuk kulontarkan jemu.
fragmen 4
aku melewati sebuah tugu peringatan untuk mereka yang telah gugur,
yang gugur kerana sebuah bendera, kerana sebuah lagu, kerana sebuah kepercayaan.
mungkin aku tidak mendengar derak tangisan atau teriak,
tatkala peluru hidup merobek daging merah,
ataupun ketika bayonet tajam memenggal urat sendi,
mahupun sewaktu bom dibaling dengan penuh getar ditangan.
tapi apa yang kurasakan,
peperangan itu bukanlah apa yang mereka mahukan,
kerana manusia tidak pernah lahir untuk berbunuhan,
tidak pernah lahir dengan kebencian,
tidak pernah lahir dengan prasangka.
dan ketika aku terus memikir kenapa,
ku lihat nun besar ukiran di tepi tugu,
'dirasmikan oleh pemimpin negara'
tapi bukankah pemimpin itu juga manusia?
fragmen 5
aku malu pada setiap dosa yang kulakukan,
tapi mengapa aku tidak malu untuk mengulanginya?
aku rindu pada belaian kasihNya,
tapi mengapa aku tidak mendambakan rindu itu?
aku benci pada setiap kemungkaran disekelilingku,
tapi mengapa kebencian itu hanya tinggal benci?
aku lelah, resah penat dan lemah,
aku, seribu satu rasa penakut, pengecut barangkali, mungkin dayus.
tapi kutahu,
sayangMu, lebih besar dari murkaMu,
jika kuberjalan padaMu, maka berlari Kau padaku,
Kau cukup sempurna sifat Rahman, Rahim.
tunjukkanlah aku jalan kepadaMu,
dan janganlah Kau palingkan hati ini,
tatkala hidayah telah mengetuk tingkap hatiku

ajaib

selalu aku mengharapkan keajaiban muncul tiba-tiba,
dari balik pintu yang tidak berkunci, mahupun antara celah-celah pokok yang penuh rimbun, ataupun dari panggilan yang menyerakkan perhatian.
tapi keajaiban itu tak pernah muncul, lantas ku fikir diriku tak pernah diintai tuah,
lalu aku kembali mengunci pintu, serta membiarkan pokok merimbun, dan tiada lagi menoleh pada panggilan yang tidak pernah terpanggil...

kalau kau suka..

kalau kau suka berlari,
maka larilah ke segenap penjuru hati yang punya rasa,
agar dapat kau hebahkan manisnya kebahagiaan itu.
kalau kau suka melihat,
maka lihatlah jauh kedalam lubuk fikiran akal,
agar dapat kau cambahkan segala apa yang tersirat .
kalau kau suka mendiam,
maka diamlah dengan zikir penuh ingat,
agar penuh segala harap jua rahmat yang didamba.
kalau kau suka mendengar,
maka dengarlah patah kata bersulam hikmah,
agar meresap segala ajar jua amali diakhirnya.
apa sahaja yang kau lakukan,
biar pantak dengan ingatan beralas niat.

maknawi mimpi

langsung lari menerjah,
menjengah, lalu berlalu dari kenyataan.
sejak bila hidup dan kehidupan ini dimaknakan dengan mimpi?
dan mimpi itu tidak pernah dipisahkan dari maknanya sendiri?
khayalan terus mencengkam, sedang diri tak pernah sedar,
terus hidup dengan janji yang menyakitkan.....

selalu hadir

aku sedar..
setiap sendi gerak laku yang mengisi jagat masa,
aku tetap diawasi...
setiap ucap gelak elus yang mengisi ruang udara,
aku tetap didengari...
setiap cahaya kilas imbau yang mengisi terowong lihat,
aku tetap diperhati...
maka mana mungkin untuk aku,
lari dari semesta yang hanya aku dan diriku mahu wujud,
sedar aku...
kendati sedar dalam tidak,
jika sedar bersarang di hati,
mengapa harus beribu kali ampun kumohon..
tanpa antaranya perlu kumohon keampunan lagi?

aku

aku hilang dalam terang sinarnya,
aku sunyi dalam riuh tawanya,
aku dingin dalam hangat pelukannya....